"Dude! Where is my pea puree?"

Have I ever been more proud of myself? I don't think so. Here I am, mere hours away from the next episode of Top Chef, and I'm still chugging along with my recaps. Even though I have THREE left to go. Perseverance. It's a virtue.

At the Top Chef townhouse, Kelly mourns the emptiness of the girls' rooms due to Tamesha's departure. As expected, Angelo just let her elimination roll off his back. It was a surprise to no one that he would be unfazed.

Quickfire:
On this cheery day in the Top Chef kitchen, the chefs are greeted by Padma and the cutest small fry you've ever seen, the adorable, extremely young Congressman Aaron Schock. My darling sister knew exactly who he was when she caught a glimpse of the episode (as it aired above the bar in her hangout, the delightful restaurant Tillman's, an entire post unto itself), but he was a fresh face to me.

Apparently, there are quite a lot of rules involved when it comes to lobbying, wining, and dining. Elected officials and paid lobbyists face a daily challenge when it comes to the food they eat, ensuring that they are not unduly influenced by a particularly delightful morsel. In order to emphasize this challenge, Padma whips the lone silver cloche on the table next to her and the baby-faced representative in the air with relish, revealing a measly cube of cheese attached to a flag-bearing toothpick. Yes, that's right. The chefs will be making a dish that fits neatly on a toothpick. And the winner will not only be awarded with immunity, but also $20,000. This challenge is sending mixed messages!

After the mad protein dash, the chefs get cracking on their toothpicks. Kelly opts for a scallop with a bit of salted watermelon, which sounds heavenly to me. Kenny is making shrimp and salmon with a mojito relish. I'm alarmed by Stephen's surf and turf shoved onto the toothpick with a potato cake. We learn that most of Alex's culinary experiences has been in canapes. Does anyone actually use that word anymore?

Padma and young fry Aaron come back to judge the hors d'oevres, but not before we see Angelo fiendishly chopping shrimp. His speed and mania were truly frightening.

Bless-his-heart Aaron decides that Alex, Ed, and Kelly missed the mark. I felt badly for all of them, even Alex, knowing that they were judged by a layman. I also think Aaron might have been predisposed to dislike scallops. Favorites were Kevin, Angelo, and Stephen and despite Stephen's complete faith in his "meaty" dish as a winner, Angelo pulled through with the victory once again. It's getting harder and harder for Kenny to take this.

Elimination:

For the elimination challenge, the chefs will be participating in a DC tradition, the "power lunch." Of freakin' course. What other challenge might we expect once a Congressman is thrown into the mix? The chefs will be taking over lunch at the Palm restaurant, a venerable spot traditionally known for high-powered wheeling and dealing meals. They'll be working with five specific proteins: lamb chops, lobster, swordfish, porterhouse steak, or salmon, drawing knives to determine who will work with what. Though Padma assures the chefs that they'll be competing against all of the other chefs (not just swordfish vs. swordfish, for example), there will inevitably be five superior dishes and 5 lesser dishes. Not the best way to set up the competition, if you ask me.

During prep, I'm shocked to discover that Angelo is a bit intimidated by the lobsters. To be fair, they were HUGE, and frightened most of the chefs. Amanda tartly informs the camera that she has never cooked a porterhouse steak before, so she has ZERO intentions of cooking one for the challenge. I shake my head in confusion because I'm pretty sure her knife said "porterhouse steak," not NY strip or filet (which, incidentally, is what you get when you expertly butcher a porterhouse, thanks Kelly). Though I hate it when chefs don't follow the rules I have to admit that Amanda has proved more talented than the rest of the chefs believe her to be. She's also an excellent butcher.

While supafly Kenny relaxes in his furry golden robe back at the house, Alex is in a quandary about what to make to accompany his salmon. In what will soon become scandal #1 of the season, Kenny inadvertently shares a few deets about Ed's English pea puree while Alex listens intently. Unfortunately, Ed missed this whole conversation because he spends all of his time in the house unburdening himself to Tiffany, even though she's an engaged woman.

In the kitchen at the Palm, the chefs discover another few spicy elements of the challenge. The winning dish will be featured on the menu, the winning chef will be caricatured onto the wall of the restaurant, AND Tom will be hanging out in the kitchen instead of out front.

While steak girls Amanda and Kelly battle it out over salt, we discover that Alex is going to make an English pea puree! What a coincidence! When Ed's puree goes AWOL, everyone concludes that Alex took it. Which he most probably did. I'm pretty sure he's one of the nastiest contestants ever selected to appear on the show. Gross.

First out are the rival porterhouse queens, who have successfully quibbled over butter, salt, and time remaining whilst preparing their dishes. As they prepare to describe their food, we encounter guest judge Art Smith, former chef to Oprah and the Obama family, and frequent judge and competitor on Top Chef: Masters. He has lost, I kid you not, what must be fifty pounds! I like my chefs hefty, to be honest.

Though I was waiting for Amanda to be judged based on her decision to cut the meat off the bone, the whole two tables of guests and judges loved her dish. Kelly's gigantic porterhouse was over-seasoned, drowning in all of the salt that she jealously hoarded during prep time.

Tiffany and Andrea are next, bearing plates of swordfish. Andrea's overly sweet, vanilla bean-scented sauce was essentially masking the flavor of a fish that she herself doesn't like. Tiffany's olive-raisin tapenade was a big hit with the judges, even though she mourned in a lonely corner of the kitchen after service, sure she had overcooked her fish.

Stephen and Alex deliver their salmon dishes. Incidentally, Alex's salmon sits on an exotic pile of forbidden rice, accented by a lovely green swirl of...PEA PUREE! Stephen's plate is messy, and Art Smith raves about the "symphonic" nature of Alex's dish.

The most challenging protein, that unwieldy lobster, has been prepared quite differently. For once, Angelo makes a less-than-perfect dish-a butter-poached lobster that the judges deem "chewy" and a foam they don't appreciate. Ed's lobster ballontine, on the other hand, was beloved by all, especially with the addition of spicy eggplant caviar. Gail states that the only thing Ed doesn't need on his dish are the English peas. Oh, the irony!

Kenny's overcomplicated lamb dish doesn't win over the judges, especially with no fresh green to make it a bit more complete. I'm beginning to think that he tries too hard. It was clear from the beginning of the season that he is an excellent chef. He is struggling to deliver. Kevin's sous-vide lamb was too overpowering. I think it may be one of the first times a chef is dinged for too MUCH flavor.

While the judges deliberate, there is all kinds of pea puree drama going on in the stew room, including back footage of Alex overhearing the components of Ed's dish the nights before the challenge. To add fuel to the fire, not only is Alex called out with Ed and Tiffany for having the best dishes, he is specifically complimented on the controversial puree, and ends up WINNING for it! To their credit, Ed and Tiffany kept their mouths shut. No use crying over spilled milk. Or stolen peas, I suppose.

Kelly, Andrea, and Kevin were on the chopping block for a failed power lunch. In an extremely emotional elimination, Andrea was sent packing, leaving Kelly and Kevin practically in tears. Though Amanda is fairly certain that Kelly's lack of generosity with the condiments is what put her on the bottom, the rest of the crew was visibly saddened by Andrea's departure (and undoubtedly, the knowledge they would have to continue to tolerate Alex's presence).

Two more to go before tonight!

"Did I thank you for the duck nuts?"

Here we go, here we go, here we go! Four of five recaps done, moving on to yet another politically-titled episode, "Cold War."

Quickfire Challenge:
As cherry blossoms continue to bloom, the chefs wake up in a Timothy-less house vowing to do what they can to get back on top. The footage of the their cheerful attitudes upon leaving the townhouse becomes delightfully ironic when they stroll into the Top Chef kitchen to find Michelle Bernstein sheepishly grinning next to a table of so-called "nasty proteins." I feel a twinge of pity for Michelle B, who somehow always draws the short straw when it comes to selecting episodes for the big-time chefs. This isn't her first rodeo with rattlesnake, geoduck, or duck white kidney.

The chefs visibly cringe while picking knives to determine order, though upon a closer glance at the table, I only see the need for two or three of them to freak out. Fois gras is hardly unusual for successful restaurant chefs, and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be difficult to work with frog's legs or wild boar. I'd pick rattlesnake of course. They say it tastes like chicken.

In the second deliciously ironic moment of the episode in only ten minutes, Angelo selects duck white kidneys, which, as it turns out, are actually testicles. We'll see if he calls this dish sexy.

The exotic protein challenge isn't new on the show, so I was especially excited when they mixed it up a bit and had the chefs stop mid-prep to switch proteins. Anything to keep us from seeing Angelo's "testicle marshmallow." The chefs are unfamiliar enough with pretty much all of the proteins that they don't really change up their plans after the switch.

In the end, Michelle and Padma determined that Stephen's frog legs, Alex's ostrich, and Andrea's wild boar were the losing dishes. I'm pretty sure Michelle has it out for Andrea, being that they have competing restaurants in Miami.

They deemed Kelly's emu, Tamesha's duck tongue, and Amanda's llama to be the best dishes. Kelly's balanced emu omelette had the best flavor, and she won immunity.

Elimination Challenge:
Padma explains the details of the elimination challenge, cutely titled, as I mentioned, "Cold War." The chefs must prepare a dish "best served cold," and will be divided into two groups. Each group will be judging the other's food. Of course, the only way to properly plan for such a challenge is a Potomac River cruise on the USS Sequoia. Where many treaties were signed and presidents pondered. Kenny immediately takes a spot at a desk to think about his strategy alone, while other Alpha Dog Angelo is on a sabotage mission, passing along potentially disastrous ideas to innocent, gullible cheftestants.

Back at their old hangout spot, Whole Foods, the chefs predictably head towards the sexy seafood section. Angelo is there giving Tamesha his blessing on her scallops + rhubarb jus idea. He gives Stephen a bit of advice as well, while Tiffany, Ed, and Kevin confidently circle the produce and grain aisles.

In the kitchen, we learn that Andrea cannot get it out of her head that Michelle Bernstein is there to judge her. Kenny worries that his fellow cheftestants will judge his dish solely based on their desire to eliminate him from competing. Tamesha loses her cool when left alone too long without Angelo's help. Speaking of Mr. Sexy, he spends more time helping his proteges than actually working on his dish.

The challenge takes place in a "stately room", according to Amanda. Group A, consisting of Kenny, Kevin, Ed, Amanda, and Alex, cooks first. While Group B delightfully takes their place at the table, we see another bit of foreshadowing when Alex lies to Amanda about what her dish tastes like.

I'm so distracted at first by Angelo's 50's style slicked-back hair and v-necked blazer with no shirt underneath that I first I don't notice how RIDICULOUSLY critical Group B is of their competitor's food. It was as if they liked NOTHING. Angelo and Tamesha tag-teamed to lambaste every dish, while Andrea attempted to sound like a culinary goddess across the table from Michelle. Tiffany was the only one who had any sort of objective judgment to share, and Kelly, who also won the chance to sit out with her elimination, kept quiet. Group B decided that Kevin's dish was the best while Kenny's was the worst. Can we say RIDICULOUS one more time?! In what world would Amanda or Alex serve better food than Kenny?!

Tom and crew were clearly irritated and dismayed by the lack of objectivity displayed by the second group. Just when I thought I couldn't love Tom more, my heart warming over my enjoyment of the episode, I was gifted with the incredible gem of a deleted scene, in which we learn Ed actually stole a girl from Angelo a few years back.

I gleefully observe Group B head to the kitchen, delighted that it's now their turn for judgment. Sadly, Group A proved to be much more generous, delicately taking bites of each dish and attempted to offer constructive criticism. At least until they arrived at Tamesha's shockingly spicy scallops, which was universally panned. Tiffany's tuna was voted as best dish, sending her up for the win with Kevin. Tamesha would be stewing at the bottom with Kenny.

It was highly pleasing to see Kevin win-he is teddy-bear appealing, makes good food, and clearly doesn't allow prejudice to cloud his judgment when it comes to what actually tastes great (even if his rival is making it). Kenny was extremely dissatisfied to be on the bottom, understandably, but not exactly surprised. He of course believed Angelo was snaking him, though he didn't share that sentiment with the judges.

Thankfully, the judges sent the lesser chef home, that being Tamesha. How much longer could she manage to hold her own, anyway? Last week's episode proved that even the very best chefs competing aren't safe, and I'm not sure that T could function without skeevy Angelo.

I'm inching closer and closer to my goal, y'all...three more left!

one week

My heart thrills at the prospect that in seven days-a mere TRIFLE when I think of how tortuously long the wait has seemed-the final novel in the Hunger Games trilogy will be released. All I can think is Amazon, PLEASE DON'T LET ME DOWN! Don't make me resort to double purchasing if my copy doesn't arrive on time. I wouldn't put it past me. Really.

If you have not yet read The Hunger Games (and its sequel, Catching Fire), I suggest you do it. Immediately. Right away. Pronto. Don't let heroine Katniss Everdeen pass you by!

"Well, I had crabs. So it just brought back bad memories."

In the swirling hubbub of my travels over the past month, I have failed in my efforts to properly document the shenanigans of Top Chef Season 7: Hail to the Chef (from henceforth I must write that entire ridiculous title out in full). As of today, I have not just two or three, but FIVE recaps to complete. Also, it's Tuesday. Which means that the next episode airs tomorrow. The forecast for completion doesn't look good. Yet, I shall carry on. Particularly because I'm desperate to get to last week's shocking elimination.

When last we saw our chefs, they faced double elimination in a hotel restaurant challenge. Though I was glad to get rid of some of the dead weight, the chefs were saddened back at the now quiet townhouse. I tried to think about Ed and Tiffany's burgeoning friendship instead of the creepy way that Angelo whispers in Tamesha's ear while they sit on the porch alone. He says that he sees himself in her. Tamesha, run for the hills!

Quickfire:
In the Top Chef kitchen, Padma waits for the chefs, accompanied by a giant table of crabs and a horrifying example of plastic surgery and inappropriate hair dyeing, Patrick O'Connell. I am not won over by the knowledge that he is a James Beard Award-winning chef. I didn't think it was possible to be more grossed out by him, but then he began to speak. Like a serial killer. Shudder.

After two inappropriate yet inevitable STD jokes, the chefs made a mad dash to the crab table. Despite the Maryland connection, I felt it was an unimaginative challenge, though I'd gladly dive into any crab dish that doesn't contain mayonnaise. Tamesha was allergic as a child (wtf is right, Tamesha), so is completely unfamiliar with crab preparation. Where did they find these chefs, I ask you??

For the sake of completing my mountain of recaps, a condensed version of the results:

Worst Dishes:

-Andrea's heavy, potato-burdened crab salad
-Amanda's "pungent" gelee
-Kevin's confusing lost crab

Best Dishes:

-Ed's refreshing thai crab salad (I wanted to eat it immediately!)
-Kenny's trio of crab flavor
-Angelo's tiny spoonful of delicate crab broth
Winner: Ed!

Elimination Challenge:
As Timothy tries to recover from his unexpected defeat as Only-Chef-From-Maryland-Thus-Inevitably-Good-with-Crab, Padma informs the chefs that they'll be traveling to Virginia's first certifiable organic farm, where they'll be required to work as team to put forth at least six family-style dishes for a group of local chefs and farmers. Kenny and Angelo immediately assume the leadership role in their heads, while the rest of the chefs freak out at the knowledge that they won't actually know their ingredients until they arrive.

After a strong battle of the wills between the two alpha dogs, no decisions are made. There's talk of teams, and one person working a grill, and compromising, but nothing really seems to get done. Kenny determines they should all work with their partners from the previous challenge, giving us as viewers the first real hint (via Ed's hesitance) that Alex is just as skeezy as we thought.

After a montage of the farm complete with galloping horses, yellow flowers, and butterflies, the chefs are seen scurrying over to the impressively arrayed tables of proteins and produce. Predictably, some quibbling ensues over who will work with what protein. Mostly dissatisfied, the chefs then race over to an odd assortment of mismatched tables and various sources of heating elements, including a grill with lava rocks and some hot plates. This is going to be rough. Thank goodness for the mobile pantry in the back of the vehicle Toyota has selected for its product placement spot.

To add insult to injury, it's also apparently quite wintry outside. Miami-based Andrea in particular seems to be suffering the most, working just as hard on her meat as she is to keep a scarf around her throat. I am sympathetic to her plight-ever since I moved to California I have developed an extremely thin skin. I find temperatures above 80 degrees and below 50 to be practically intolerable!

During prep, we learn that Amanda is making minestrone. While I check my notes to determine if she has any culinary background at all other than working at Jason's Deli, there is a horrifying moment where Stephen is mashing up hard-boiled eggs with a potato masher. Kelly and Timothy have a minor argument about beets and turnips, and Angelo yet again refers to food with adjectives more appropriately used to describe body parts. Tamesha's virginal ears were so shocked by a "making love to the duck" comment that she knocked over Kenny's couscous. He reacted quite calmly and began making something with broccoli. What a gem.

The judges and farmers are seated on one long table, which I found very appealing. My heart leapt with joy upon seeing my beloved Eric Ripert. He is so kind to the cheftestants, and not pretentious at all. Adore him.

One dish after the other prove underwhelming to the judges, with the exception of Kenny and Kevin's curried eggplant and couscous, Andrea and Kelly's pork and beets, and of course Angelo's duck. Stephen's hideous salad, Amanda's boring minestrone, and Timothy's poorly seasoned vegetables were the standout losers.

Kenny took home the win for his carefully constructed dish, but Timothy couldn't defend himself against a charge of bad vegetables.

Whew! One down, four to go!

Oh dear Lord in heaven...

Perhaps those who have mocked me should change their tune.

Wedding #3

- Posted from my iPhone

latest doings, goings-on...

You may have noticed that my presence on the old blog has been rather erstwhile. A few teensy posts here and there, yet again shameful relapses with my Top Chef recaps...

There are good, sound excuses for this, however. My SH's best friend, whom I happen to adore, has moved back to the country, having spent the past five years far, far away in Denmark. He'll be living in LA, a mere hour's flight from us. As we still don't have the inevitable Joey's apartment over the garage ready, we've just enjoyed him as a house guest from the moment he arrived a week ago. Nights of grilling, long, delicious dinners, trips to trader joe's to experiment with all of their new or unfamiliar products... It's a lot of eating, I'll tell you, but lots of laughing and good catching up too.




I've also been immensely distracted by this fascinating new thriller, which, by the way, was NOT on my summer reading list.



I literally could not put it down. I had to make myself go to bed each night instead of reading. Yes, if you casually scrutinize the dust cover, you may see things like "government experiment gone awry" and, heaven forbid, "vampire." Do not be put off! This one is good!



Of course, there is also the matter of the "year of the wedding," keeping me away from home constantly. The latest one was for my beloved cousin, and I was enlisted to assist my fabulously talented sister in constructing the wedding cake and groom's whoopie pies. Look those up-it's an East Coast dessert with Amish origins, not an inappropriately titled dish. And these were DELICIOUS.

All of this to say, I have been BUSY. In a very good way, though. I'll be home, and back to normal routine, very soon.

P.S. I haven't forgotten those crazy chefs!



- Posted from my iPhone